polar express

self-presentation

there may have never been a you, but today, there’s a you. a strange and contradictory, nonbanal and sensuous, experienced and wise, reasonable and stable, grounded and logical you.

you may hate self-presentation. so do i. but if i don’t write this here, i’ll write something more catastrophizing to you.

a loss for words

evidently you’re reading this, but it might not be necessary. you might know everything that exists in my mind¹. but sometimes saying things – writing them down clearly – makes a difference².

i believe the truth matters, and trying to discover the truth matters. even if we fail. even if we struggle to understand it. even if we can never know it.

nightly confessions

i don't usually ride the train. when i do, it's the bart, not the shinkansen.

i've never met anyone like you.

my words don't usually dry up (though they may not often flow either).

i'm scared to lose you.

my crème brûlée isn't usually so smooth. i had to make six versions before i was satisfied with one.

i hate that i like you.

i usually have ramen closer to three times a year.

i've only known you for a shadow of moment. but i already can't stop thinking of you.

i don't want to go back to california.

at ease

beginnings are easy because the stakes are low. but gambling on the existence your individuality means going all-in.

THAT word

it scares me because until three weeks ago, i was sui generis.

it scares me because until two weeks ago, i was able to focus for 10 hours on my work without so much as blinking.

it scares me because until last week, i could write with proper grammar and standard syntax.

it scares me because i don’t even know your favorite color.

it scares me because i want it so badly.

it scares me because it might scare you back into your individuality.

it scares me because you have so much control over me.

it scares me because i think i llama you already.