4th of july

“thoughtless and mean”

it’s no secret that my family life is a bit ..... that’s nothing new. since a very young age i’ve maintained a very clear separation between church and state.

at the time, it was out of necessity for my sanity. i observed some obviously problematic ways that my family interacted with each other and endeavored to stay out of it. something (minor?) would happen, causing a (major?) reaction, and the positive feedback loop of pain would begin.

i developed a strong aversion to conflict.

“act like you give a shit”

i also developed a strong sense of independence. which is a trait that i prided myself on throughout high school and most of my undergrad. only towards the end of my university degree did i start to question its utility, prompted by my person (at the time).

you see, although she’d claim otherwise, she wasn’t very independent (at the time). perhaps i judged that to some extent, but it created an important opportunity for connection.

supporting her in her uncertainties made me feel useful. like i was really a part of her life. and – although i don’t want to speak for her – it made her feel loved.

but i struggled to receive the same support. rather, the .... surrounding my family life and childhood led me to do everything for myself and feel very uncomfortable asking for help.

this is not a novel or interesting statement, but i figure i should at least state it: this is not a good way to receive love. especially not inasfar as it enables avoidance.

naturally, it has caused rifts in my family life and relationships as an adult. i won’t deny that the common fate of my love life is to end in a fiery wreckage where minor conflict causes me to become avoidant, causing my partner to not feel sufficiently loved (and we tailspin until breaking up in the atmosphere).

i also won’t deny that while the family issues i had while growing up were mostly not fault of my own, the same is likely not true today.

“i’ve given up”

the consensus from the family i “made” (and historically with the family i “chose”) is generally not as clear. some people hyperbolize that i’m the most thoughtful person they know, while others write entire poems about my rock hard shell¹.

maybe there’s no objective conclusion to draw here. maybe the headings (although they are only three of many) are a fair characterization of my failings.

but maybe i’ve been wrong all along. maybe it’s not about being overly independent… maybe it’s about a lack of trust. maybe my friends trust me (because i can fend for myself). maybe my “family” – romantic partner included in this definition of the word – does not (because i fend for myself).

maybe i can maintain my independence and also cultivate a family, and it “just” requires a little trust.